Erie, PA

Well! I guess everybody must have got lost on their way to Georgia Pacific. Sorry I missed you guys!

It's fine. Growing up, I was really insecure. That makes you brag, and "front" a lot. Also makes you self-absorbed. But I started reading some books on psychology, and listened to mommy, who told me to put myself in the shoes of those who abused me.

I evidently had an enate gift for empathy. It backfired, of course. I did see that they needed to abuse others because they felt insecure themselves...and it just pissed me off. I personally was incapable of cruelty, except the unthinking kind in a fit of rage. If I saw a certain look in their eyes, I sort of melted, and felt like shit for hurting them.

So why were these bastards who were trying to make me as miserable as possible so sadistic? Mom, I know you thought you'd make me a pacifist, but you just made me mad.

But I digress: Along the way, I learned from some really smart people that ego is more bad than good. Most people who we say are egotistical are actually quite the opposite. Anyone who is pretentious and "puts on airs" does so because he doesn't realize how obvious this is to other people; how silly they seem.

The reason they're oblivious to this is that when they look criticly at other people, they never pause to ask themselves: "Do I do that? Do other people see me like that?"

Anyone who asks these questions of themselves, if they have the courage, is forced into a critical self-examination. It can be very painful--seeing yourself as others see you. (Another mom-ism, originally from the Bible, I think).

And once you do that, you see the folly of ego.

Still, we're social animals, and hard-wired in many ways. A "pecking order" is, unfortunately, natural. The unthinking, reactive impulses which sometimes drive us are vestiges of a time not long ago when we pushed and jostled eachother for status in the tribe, or clan.

I learned that the most effective leaders, and respected people, evinced no pretense. Needed no symbols, or armor. They never pound their fists and shout "RESPECT ME!" In fact, they seem not to seek power, or status.

In fact, those who do seek power and status, as ends unto themselves, are those who deserve it least. These people, who float, like scum, to the surface through ambitious manipulation and coertion, are the worst thing that could happen to the people under them, or the group or organization they come to control.

BECAUSE, they DON'T feel a damn thing for other people. They don't respect other people. They want to micromanage everything, and can't delegate. They use force unneccessarily.

What's a good cop? A good cop is the guy who wants to protect people. What's a bad cop? A bad cop is a guy who went for a badge so that he would have power. The good cop will always automaticly do the right thing. The bad one will invariably abuse his authority. The good cop really hardly needs the badge. The bad cop hides behind his. And you see, which is best for his community?

So it is in every area. And this is all about ego. See what I mean?

Anyway, I changed my ways--somewhat. (As I've said, in many ways, I'm still a kid. Some of the things I remember writing and doing into my forties...I blush to remember them--and the fact that those who read or saw me do them do as well.)

Still, I'm light years beyond the insecure kid. Oh--but that reactive, reptilian demon still fights for dominance!

Why the hell don't any of you ever, ever, ever read any of this?

See how silly that sounded? "Waaah! RESPECT ME! Waaah!"

I suppose, this is good for me. Keeps me in check. A century or two ago, I probably would have been a mountain man. I wouldn't mind at all not seeing another human for years. Well...I reckon I'd have to make friends with some Injuns and git me a squah, heh-heh...

So why do I give a shit if everybody (except Juan, who has better taste) ignores me? I think that after awhile, catching myself getting pissed off at my family for not spending their time reading anything I write will sink in, and I'll stop caring, down to the reptilian roots.

Then I'll be free of it. Or something.

Well I should be loaded pretty soon. 700 miles by 1000 tomorrow, and it's almost noon already. Think I'd better see if there are errors in my logbook...okbye.