Poker for Dummies by Cliff Barney Jethro Fyffe Claven Bodine

Ok first of all, you have to admit that you are a dummy, and are no match for anybody with a 3-digit I.Q. The smartest thing for you to do is to stick with the Bingo Parlors and Lottery tickets, but since you are a dummy, we know you won't.

So let's make the best of it. What you need to do is to use your stupidity to your advantage.

Now, a good player will win more often than he/she will lose, because they consider odds, are governed by their brains rather than their emotions, and wait for dummies like you to rush headlong into their sunday punches (and then to be too stupid to know you're unconscious).

But take heart. What you need to do is to turn the game into a lottery by raising and re-raising a lot. Like, that pair of dueces you get preflop? Raise them. A smart player with an AK or a higher pair will call or re-raise, but without something good, they'll fold. This increases your odds of winning with your pair of dueces.

Then ignore whatever shows up on the board and keep betting, no matter what. Usually, you will lose, of course, but once in awhile you will get a third duece, or else the guy with the better starting hand won't get any help, and you will win a lot.

This is how stupid people beat smart people.

Also, play every hand. Like that 6-9 offsuit. Usually, you will lose. But once in awhile, you'll get lucky, and nobody will have any idea you've really got a good hand, because they know you're stupid already--but they have a hard time believing that you could possibly be stupid enough to stick around with such lousy cards. So they will call or raise you.

I can't tell you how many times I've had three to a flush and just kept calling and got the last 2 cards and beat the person who had a great hand on the last card.

But only play like this online. It doesn't work in casinos. Internet sites know that dummies keep sending more and more money, so...for some strange reason...dummies beat smart players way more often than they do in casinos.

By raising and re-raising a lot, you force good players to either stay out of your way or call. Even if you don't win, you can make sure they lose as much as you do!

Don't kid yourself. In a tournament, you will get wiped out early about 90% of the time. But occasionally, you will get lucky and get a big stack early, while badly hurting the smart players.

When this happens, just raise every hand, no matter what. You're not smart enough to know any better, so you just have to try to bludgeon everybody else out and make them fold--and if not, hope you get lucky some more. They really hate that.

It's not a good idea to blabber a lot in the comments part. A lot of times you will say "nice catch", or otherwise imply that the person that just slow-played fleeced you got lucky on the river. Everybody else who isn't as stupid as you will know that he had you beat from the start, and you have just told them that you're too stupid to even know this.

Another tip: Always have your rabbit's foot, four leaf clover, etc. on your person.

Good luck!